Losing Spiritual Innocence

Losing Spiritual Innocence

Seeking Spiritual Restoration

I once was a child. Spiritually speaking. I once was awed by Jesus and what had happened to me. When Jesus released me from a life of debauchery and sin, I could hardly believe it. I knew so little “official” doctrine, but like the man born blind I knew once I was blind but now I see. Everything seemed so different. People looked different. Nature looked different. I was what we call a “babe in Christ” but I walked in joy. I awoke every morning and realized once again who I had been and who I now was.

I no longer needed to get high since I was now filled with the Most High God. I did not disrespect my old friends, however they were amazed at how different I was. Every day seemed as fresh as the former, and I lived with a sense of anticipation. Money no longer meant anything to me. Little by little the Spirit began to strip me of the trappings of this world. The Scriptures were exciting and new, and I began to see things about which I had known nothing.

I was a new creature in Christ, and I was clearly aware of that even before I knew the verse. I had hope and hope eternal of which I was void of just days ago. After I was called to preach, the man for whom I had worked offered me a piece of his business if I stayed on. I was polite and refused, but to be honest it never even tempted me. I could have made a lot of money but that was of no concern.

I would awake very early, drive up to a park high atop Garrett Mountain in northern New Jersey and commune with my Lord. Then I would go to work. I never new such contentment and fulfillment. I often felt a sense of euphoria and ecstasy as I would dwell upon Jesus. I had been three years to catechism and was confirmed, but I had never known Christ. It was like a dream.

I was baptized as an infant, however I had read about baptism in the Bible. I became convinced I needed to be baptized again. But I had never stepped foot in an evangelical church, so how could I be baptized? One year after I was born again, while visiting my agnostic aunt, I waded into the Gulf of Mexico and baptized myself. I was so unconventional back then. Perhaps I am returning to those days. I used to take communion by myself on Garrett Mountain at night. I was free of all the man made ecclesiastical rules and regulations.

Later on I became involved with the western evangelical church construct. I was ordained and soon began to lose that early sense of wonderment and spiritual metamorphosis. Soon I became part of that structure. All the early emotions and child-like wonder had left. I still worshiped and served Christ, but the structure would rob me of His freedom. Yes, I began to spiritually suffocate until I would live on autopilot. I longed to return to the freshness of those early days, but I was caught in evangelical quicksand.

I am now free to return to those days. I am free to return to Him without man made prerequisites and expectations. I refuse to be chained again to that which kept me from serving, worshiping, and experiencing Him with abandonment.

If you wish to remain spiritually stagnant and even regress, go ahead and remain embedded in the present evangelical construct. I do not blame you, it is the easy path. And most people are sincere but do not even see things the way they are. That is surely the very nature of deception. And even when your eyes are opened there remains a very difficult path that leads to freedom. You see, it is not enough by a long shot just to see things and openly identify that which is antithetical to biblical teaching and that no longer reflects the life, the teachings, and the mission of Jesus.

But just when you have settled in and began to enjoy all the wonderful activities within the evangelical amusement park, the Spirit of God dislodges you from the comfort of your western nest. You did not ask for it, but here it is. You, of course, do not see everything, however now your ambivalence has been shaken. Perhaps your mate does not embrace your discernment. Perhaps your family is still enthusiastically engaged. Perhaps you feel confused, not about what you know you see, but about your future course. Perhaps you have children. Perhaps you have friends. But still you thirst for a deeper relationship with your Wonderful Lord and He is still speaking things into your heart. Perhaps you are not willing yet to count the cost.

But still you cannot deny His voice. That still, small and sometimes relentless voice is speaking to you. He almost shoves His Word in your face and illumnates your heart to the deep contradictions you are practicing. Every Sunday you see both what substantiates what you have heard already, and many times you see more. It is a time that is both spiritually adventurous as well as upsetting. You seem to be swimming in a different direction than everyone else. People who you have known for many years do not share your burden, or at least to the extent that you are burdened. These are not just careless people, but these are people who are well saved and truly love Jesus, but they still cannot see what you see or hear what you hear. Impatience with everyone gnaws at your soul, and you are constantly being bombarded with self righteous thoughts.

You feel the paradox of both a spiritual desert as well as a spiritual oasis. It can be distressing, and just when you despair the Spirit comforts and strengthens you. You are in no man’s land, and yet you are just where God has called you. You begin to realize more and more just how dependent you have been on the western structure of what we call “church” and just how deeply compromise has crept in and become your norm. But what will you do? More accurately, what will He have you to do? This will not be an easy transition, and timing is very unclear.

And if you leave the contented confines of the western evangelical construct, what will be the short term and long term cost? Well, all these questions will not be completely answered before your step of faith. Until you go to the boats edge, lift up your leg, and before your toe hits the troubled seas, God will only reveal a small subset of His will for you. But one thing is certain, you now will never be spiritually growing if you remain in this boat. You must leave, but when?

We must all ask ourselves this question, “Do we desire to know Him with a passion, or are we to be content attached to a system which denies Him in practice?” If we are going to stay where we are, we will have to repress much spiritual insight we have been given. In many ways, we will have to deny Him and the leading of the Spirit. You may sometimes secretly wish you had remained ignorant and blissfully content. It will take a great deal of suppression now to remain.

But allow me to pour gasoline upon your fire, or maybe your spiritual embers. I refer you to my first few paragraphs. It is worth it, regardless of the sacrifice. But be ready to sacrifice your reputation, some friendships, and be ready to place everything upon His altar for His inspection and correction. Many things that will fall under His correction will turn out to be your fault alone, while many others will be found to be the product of the “church” structure in which you lived. And the process will be exhilarating with some episodes of pain. But those episodes of pain can be very useful to your spiritual life. You can deepen your fellowship with Him while you experience the pain of losing some fellowship with men.

Phil.3:10 That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;
11 If by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead.
12 Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.
13 Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,
14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

Read again those words. Meditate on their depth and meaning. To know Him…to know Him. Can there by any greater goal, any greater motivation, any greater glory? Does the church desire that zenith, or do they desire to “impact their community”? Is the church worshiping the residuals, or are they worshiping the Christ? Has the good obscured the best? Are we so caught up in doing things for Christ that we have forgotten Christ? And do we now believe that strategies and activities will draw men to Christ instead of believers who pray and demonstrate the Person of Christ? Do we believe that manipulating numbers pleases our God? Do we actually believe we can fill the wide part of the narrow gate with warm bodies?

Well, only you and I will be accountable for our response. Perhaps you do not see it? That is honest and legitimate. But I exhort you, I implore you, take some substantial time and seek the face of Jesus. Read the New Testament like you are starving. Meditate upon its words. Apply them to your life. Apply them to the life of your church. But remember, if you withhold anything, and if you just want to audit this class, the Spirit cannot and will not reveal what you are seeking and what you need.

But if you are seeking Him with personal vulnerability, and if you cannot live without more of Him, and if you are surrendered to the Spirit’s correction and leading, then step out of the boat. You will be afraid, but keep looking at Him. This will be completely foreign to your experience, but keep looking at Him. You will be tempted to judge almost everyone, but keep looking at Him. You will often lose your own strength, but keep looking at Him. You will be pulled from all directions, but keep looking at Him. You will hear familiar voices beckoning you to return to the safety of the boat, but keep looking at Him. You will doubt, but keep looking at Him. Is there another way? No, there is not. Having lost your spiritual innocence, do you desire to be restored?

Keep looking at Him and proceed forward...on your knees.